tears..........

the truth about me as an apprentice...

im a very very very unintelligent student.....
nobody in class likes me... they just ignore me...
whatever i say or do - its either unheard or they laugh about it...

today i cried.......

reason:
i got my accountancy exam back...and it was a big fat F!!!
right after i got it - my teacher told me that he wants to talk to me after the lesson...

after lesson:
he asked me, how i was doing, cause of my breakdown i had last year...
and i told him that its getting better...but that its very hard for me to follow the lessons, cause my brain wasnt able to save information last year...so im not able to see a context now...
well..then he asked me, if i see a chance to pass the final exam... and i answered that i am "positive" about it.......then he looked at me...and went like "sorry, i think that you are not realistic! i dont think that you will make it.....and im sorry to tell you that...but i have to give you an E as final grade for this years report..."

after that conversation i ran to the restrooms.....locked myself in a cabin...and started crying....

next lesson - i had another conversation with two teachers about my grade in their subject...
and they also told me that my grades were not good at all.... D- in the exam..and a D as final grade for this years report...they also told me that they dont see a lot of future in me.....
i might pass the final exam in their subject....but possibly not in the others......

and i still havent gotten back the other exam i totally messed up..... :/


i really thought of killing myself today.....
cause my futured life is based on school reports etc...and especially cause i wanna reach high!!!!!
very high!!!!
i wanna get successful ......but that doesnt work with bad reports!!!!!!

also - i might not stand the physical pressure of my company....
cause my boss will defo freak out...if she sees through my school report and exams...

well....i called my course teacher today...explained my problem...and asked him to help me..
we wanna work out a program now...there is still one year left to get ready for my final exam..
and maybe i will pass it with some good grades....


i need support now...
a lot of love...
positive energy....
and a strong sense of responsibility!!!!


* * *

there is this person / god / goddess / guardian angel / angel / mysterious person / ghost that sends me signs from time to time...
and i asked that mysterious existent helper for an answer today...

i went like "gimme a sign.....if you dont want that i kill myself......"
i searched everywhere...looked around ..but didnt get any...

then i got on the train...sat down on a seat and stared out of the window....a second later..a woman sat down in front of me..... i just randomly looked around... totally forgot about the fact that i was looking/waiting for a sign...
the woman took out a book out of her bag.... i recognized it....cause i read it....
it was cecelia ahern's book "ps: i love you"....her bag was red...and the brand of the bag was called "home"...

AND THAT WAS MY ANSWER..THE SIGN I WAS WAITING FOR!

amor vincit omnia

2nd month anniversary...and it so doesnt feel like it.......

2 month = nothing.........
but we have to start somewhere......and since i know that SHE is the right one...i dont wanna count at all.....cause it feels wrong!!

well....its been sometime that i blogged - hence studying, school and i was on vacation.....


short news about what happened last month:

NEGATIVE:

• i fucked up my intermediate examination...
• my class doesnt like me...
• lost my fav jacket at the airport in stockholm
• made my gf cry twice

POSITIVE:

• had an amazing time in sweden
• amor vincit omnia
• love my gf's family & friends
• signs
• fav customer at carlings :P
• bara vara - my new fav coffee place in sweden
• got very cool new clothes
• lost my fear of dogs and cats
• milked a cow.............a very nice one
• fed a little black lamb
• got tattooed by t.'s little sister :)
• late breakfast
• quorn
• fika with t's friends

now i should study for my stupid exam.............................more later..............................



i ♥ you, t.